The Unanswered Questions In My Mind

Ajmal Amir Kasab, the name means little to me, but the person stands for something that my country is up against, fighting and protecting us. The monstorous and heinous (I just don’t think that these words can describe anything) intentions that they stand for were to terrorize, and they did.

Yes, you have succeded Kamal, you and your partners in crime who wanted to terrorize people in India, all of you have succeeded. We are scared. We feel insecure. We, a bunch of people where the educated talented mass is more concerned about the money they want to make on foreign land and the uneducated once maddened by the rage of internal regionalism to fight the foreign states of India, have been stripped off our masks. We are unmasked to reveal our casual attitudes and irresponsibility as a nation to stand up against your united force of destruction. We talked, we politicized, we regionalized, we religionized, we lifted up our “Spirit”, but we never struck back. We are victims of our own crime, and may be you are the god sent punishment for us to be so.

There was no one in the attack that I knew personally, then why was it that the entire day I had a lump in my throat that wanted me to relieve it. That lump in my throat and those dew that I saw in eyes of people once in a while around me talking about our ravaged Taj and blunted Trident, all of it choked us yesterday with a feeling of guilt. Though most of those lumps and those dews would have been relieved in small silent cries in the loneliness of our bathrooms or beds, I know for some this would be never relieved. I know most of us would not question our self on this feeling of guilt, why did we feel so? The reason being that we don’t want our daily life to change. We want to go around with our lives as normal as ever, as were not affected by Kasab's action. We want someone else, rather everyone else to act responsibly.

I feel guilty. I feel guilty of being so focused on my personal life and I feel guilty that I won’t change. Now when I think of it why did this all happen, a simple analysis by anyone’s mind would take you back to things like hatred towards other races, rampant corruption, apathy towards things that don’t concern us. Aren’t we all suffering from all of it? I feel guilty of it now, I feel guilty of that bribe that I had given for speedy police enquiry of my passport, I feel guilty of all that money that I have given to the pirated books and music sellers (I know not if that money has stained my hands with blood), I feel guilty of giving a 100 rs. Note to that towing vehicle for letting me go (I know not if that is what is corrupting their superiors and theirs, till the ministers). I don’t think this is it; I am feeling guilty about everything that I have done unknowingly to lead my country to this state. And I feel guilty that I have no plans of getting this straight. I feel guilty to be self-centered, scared and weak.

I know not if democracy is good or bad, I know not if “trying to be secular” is good or not, I know not about being soft or hard on terror, I know not if its neighboring countries or our own people, but I know for sure that this is not the world that I want my kids to be in. I don’t see any ray of hope in my politicians or my political system to get us safe. Safety, and nothing else is my concern. I know nothing that I can do to change it but I know this has changed something in me, however small. There are unanswered questions my innerself (about my responsibilities as a citizen) is fighting against. I hope everyone is fighting with the same questions, because if your innerself is still not questioning yourself, it’s time for introspection. Don’t let your conscience go numb.