Personal Rambling again, My Fears !

***Personal Rambling, like Diary Pages Again – self centric but liberating **********

Emotional Outburst about My fears.

Yes that is exactly what it is. I turned 30 a couple of days back. It felt good. I kind of reviewed my last 10 years and could see that I more or less managed to match all the expectations that my family and friends had from me.

Thought again, did I match all of MY expectations? Well never had much of it as I have never been very ambitious person. But yes I had a few. I was thinking about it again. I realized I have been giving just a little too importance to the destination and not to the journey or may be 30s show you the first routes to escapism.

I am not sure.

way back, I chose engineering because that is what everyone said was the best thing to do then. But I liked chemical engineering and thought I can do something really good with it.

I chose MBA, as that is the most secure thing to do after engineering. But I loved Marketing Management and I was confident that Brand Management is my calling.

I joined IT, one of the most secure things I could have chosen after my MBA. But I loved….well, actually I did not love anything in IT except the money it offered.

So, am I a good chemical engineer, marketer or very rich compared to my friends who followed their passion. NO. A big NO. Do I regret it? I don’t regret anything. Because that is the way life teaches you.

On the hindsight security and the feeling that my family considers me responsible and wants me to behave in a particular fashion has always been the most important thing in life. Well I pretty much served my priorities on the hindsight. Though I have never been able to come to terms with the fact that I have had the best of game changing thoughts, as I would like to believe but had no guts to follow any of it. I am an average mediocre escapist who has been finding ways to console himself that he is good. Well consoling himself that he is brilliant.

Now I have said it. Yes that is on me.

I don’t feel like a loser. But I feel like I have achieved wrong goals; If not wrong atleast the ones that came from misplaced ambitions.

While I write this, alone in my room, in a beautiful and romantic country, which I have never got enough enthusiasm to travel in, I am waiting. I am waiting for my family’s Visa , I am waiting for an editor to tell me how bad I have written my first book, I am waiting what would be the next creative thing I will do, and when I show it to people they will say, “Hey, that is so good, you are talented. What are you doing in this industry?”

And I will feel good that someone appreciated what I enjoy doing. And get back to manage my work and the things I like doing as hobbies. But there is a catch here. Slowly I have come to enjoy the comments and encouragement for my writings more than writing itself. Not good. Definitely not good. Because it is no more about the Journey.

I sit on my laptop with a pressure that I HAVE to write, I haven’t written anything in days. I sit to write having an end in my mind; Thinking of a novel that would be loved by all. I start working on an idea at work, thinking of the change in team at workplace and the false feeling of achievement that it will bring. I think of following business news, with something in my mind expecting me to remember it and utilize it in some discussion. It is all about the end and that is bothering me today. Yes, like everyone else, I too want to be loved, get respected for what I love doing and be happy but then I am not enjoying it. I think I need to re-wind and get the focus of enjoying right.

I fear being judged and judgement is all that I look for.

“How good was my decision to do that with the team?”

“Hey, How did you find my poem?”

“ How was that photograph I clicked?”

“I am trying to create business understanding in an IT world. Isnt that correct?”

“Those stories I wrote are different, aren’t they?”

I expect my friends to answer in my favour. Always. And good friends that they are, they always do. But I fear being judged differently. I am insecure and that insecurity comes in mind because I start with an end in mind.

I want to correct this. I want to start DOING things that I enjoy, without the fear / expectation of being judged good or bad at it. I want to write so that I can enjoy writing. I want to make some short videos so that I can enjoy making it. I want to create some change in office, so that I can feel the joy of changing things for good while they are changing. I do not want an appraisal of its outcome. I want to be in it while it happens. But then it doesnt mean it would not have purpose. Purpose of anything can not just be the end of it.

I need to get even with myself on this. This post has been cathartic and I hope things I do ahead is more of it.

I enjoyed writing this. I really did. :)

Wouldnt have posted it otherwise but I think many of you might relate to such confusions.